Choosing to look at the Positive

I'm 29 years old, and i am just beginning to realize just how much control a person has over how they perceive things in their life. So many people, me included for many years and still on occasion, wander around life so wrapped up in the "negative" things that happen in their lives that they never see all the positive, beautiful things hiding around each corner. It's so very easy to get caught up in issues with money, work, relationships, family...all the ways we "fail" or "fall short." But why chose to allow those things to matter so much? Why not chose to look at the ways we succeed and all the wonderful things we have to be thankful for instead? I chose to look at the positive; only there will we find true happiness.

Why?

I've asked myself "why" many times this past weekend and came the the stark realization that no matter how many times I ask myself that question about certain things, I will never get an answer. So, I finally think I can stop asking why some people refuse to care how their actions affect others and why "truth" or "commitment" is just not in some peoples genetic makeup. I do still wonder why, though, people like this seem to find a way to slither into my life and do everything they can to disturb my balance while I try my best everyday to just keep things serene in my life and try to be a decent human being who cares about others. I'm far from perfect, but I try. And I don't think I will ever understand why others can't...

So, my project right now is to ground myself again and remember just how to deal with people who you need to interact with (unfortuately!) but so nothing but spew venom and sprinkle bits of negativity into your life. I have positive people in my life who help keep me grounded and feel loved, and I need to work on surrounding myself with more of them. It does truly make me sad though, to realize that so many people will never "get it" and they will forever be caught in their own cycle of misery. And the lesson that I always struggle with and am constantly learning over and over again; you can't save everyone. I have a poem on my fridge that has helped me so much during bumps in the road like this and I'll share it here...

"The Journey" by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Exhaustion

It seems to already be one of those weeks where even the simplest things get to me and wear me out...both physically and mentally. I have been doing so well, and it always irritates me when the inevitable bumps in the road come up. And it's not like anything is necessarily "wrong;" it's just inside i don't feel as calm and stable as i have been feeling. I can point my finger to a few different things that may have a bit to do with it, but the problem is i can't "fix" any of them...they are what they are and are just things i have to accept, face, and deal with. One huge thing i have learned this past year is how deeply i can be effected by outside influences, mainly other people. During times when i feel off, i really don't filter well and because of it a lot of others negativity or problems have the opportunity to leak in and im pretty sure that's what has happened and that's why im feeling a lot of the way i do. I do think its something that just needs to run it's course a run itself out of me and i will be fine. But it leaves me exhausted...plain and simple. Let's just say im looking forward to bedtime...

On a more positive note, I am really looking forward to starting school again come the fall. I really think the mental stimulation and challenge will be good for me. It's been hard to put my schooling on the backburner this past year, but i knew i had to to be able to concentrate on healing and getting back on my feet. I don't regret it at all, and i feel im in a much better place now to concentrate on it. Im sure it will add to the exhaustion and i do feel a bit guilty that it will take away a little more time from Xander and also chip into my time with Dave, but I know its a necessity for the future and it will be worth it.

Frustration & Unconditional Love

It  has been a frustrating week for me; not bad, just frustrating. The main reason for the frustration has been X's behavior. Over the past year, his behavior has changed quite a bit and not for the better. He's began acting out violently a lot and it's becoming a large problem at daycre; hitting, pinching, biting, throwing things, etc. Now he's had a lot of changes in his life in the past year and I know it has been tough on him, and i feel guilty for that. But, i also have tried my best. There were points in time where everyday was revolved around mental survival and getting back on my feet and as much as i tried to shelter him from the pain and instability i felt inside, i know i couldn't indefinitely. Yet things have settled down considerably in the past 6 months and yet he still seems to be struggling. He has started doing a lot better at home, but he still seems to be struggling at daycare. He seems to be taking out some inner frustration and turmoil violently, and i feel like nothing i do helps much. He's so very similar to me and also very sensitive to my emotions; he has been ever since he was born. If i was a mess, so was he and that hasn't changed. He also is so very smart, sensitive, and active; if he's not mentally stimulated or on the move, he becomes frustrated. I love him more then words, but this part of his personality can become very draining. He also is content when he's scheduled and knows what to expect, very much like me. But of course, his father refuses to keep him on any similar schedule the few times  a week he actually sees him. And this throws X into a tailspin for days and it's so very frustrating and unfair for everyone, especially X.

I'm just at a loss as to what else to do to help him. His father is selfish and refuses to change his ways, even if it's in X's best interest. So, i rack my brain everyday to figure out what more i can do to help my son cope with life as it is now and transitioning from 2 different worlds. It breaks my heart that he is struggling so much and there are days I wish i could peek into his little head so i could understand more of what he's dealing with. I talk to him everyday and try to explain to him why he can't act this way and the consequences and how it hurts others, but he just doesn't seem to be receptive. Even though he's only 3, my worst fear is that he will turn into his father...

It's so very hard to be a parent and love your child so much; you want to teach them and allow them to understand and cope with things that come up, but the other part of you wants to protect them from all that can hurt them in the world. And it's a constant struggle to make the choices that are in their best interest. But at the end of each day, i do my best to make sure he knows that no matter how much i may be frustrated with his behavior, i love him unconditionally no matter what. Every night when i tuck him into bed, i hope that he knows that and always remembers it.

Mother's Day

While I have wanted to start blogging for awhile, I finally took the time this morning to set this all up and I'm glad I did. I love the fact that I am able to make my first post on Mother's Day. Being a mother has brought me more joy then I ever thought possible. It has also brought me the deepest guilt. Before someone takes that statement wrong, let me say that I love being a mom more then words; it is one of my greatest accomplishments. But, in my life as a single mother over the past year, motherhood has also brought on guilt. Guilt that my son will never grow up in the family that I had planned for him. Guilt that I can never give him all the things that a 2 parent household could give him. Guilt that his father does not and will not make him a priority in his life. Guilt that I am often so tired that I can't always spend the quality time with him that I want to. I could go on and on...but that isn't my point.

On this Mother's Day, I woke up a little down in the dumps. But now, at the end of the day, my heart is full and smiling. I see that though I am not perfect, I am here and always have been and everyday i try my hardest. Above everything else, I am a mom and will always do what is best for my son above all else. I can lie my head down at night and let go of the guilt, because I have stayed true to myself through the toughest year of my life. And, I am a better mother because of it.

My boyfriend, Dave, came over for a few hours this evening and we took Xander to the local diner for dinner. The highlight of my evening was the 3 of us walking home and swinging Xander between us. This simple thing warmed my heart. Through all of the pain, struggles, and heartache of the past year...I am here now. I am truly happy and I am truly loved. The future is bright and though things are still tough and I still have rough days, I wouldnt change a thing.

Happy Mother's Day!